50 Fat Dates
50 Fat Dates follows my quest to find Big Curvy Love (girlfriend’s in her thirties and looking for a man…don’t judge.) I’ve challenged myself to go on 50 dates over the course of one year and share my dating stories, plus size dating tips and lessons learned. If this is your first visit make sure to catch up!~Kelly
Date #1 Speed Dating
I finally popped my 50 Fat Dates cherry and much like losing one’s virginity it turned out to be a huge non-event. I’d been looking forward to speed dating for weeks and made an effort for the evening by straightening my hair, putting on make up, wearing my favorite purple dress and having an afternoon nap.
Why the nap? You never know where the night will take you and I was hoping for an instant connection followed by a date. I did NOT however take a razor to my lady garden, remember it’s 50 Fat Dates not 50 Fat F@&#s!
The speed dating website promised a group of 10-15 professional men who were in their 30s and 40s.
Overall the turnout was disappointing as there were only 5 men and after a quick survey of the room and I noticed the women were all sexy, well put together, and the guys were not. For some reason I was expecting a room full of entertainment professionals too busy to date but the reality couldn’t be further from that. I had a fleeting thought of lesbianism before a shirtless Ryan Gosling popped into my mind saying “Hey Girl” and the bell rang to take our seats. Damn it I should have approached Gosling a few weeks ago when he was 6 feet across from me at my local bar.
At table two and three were two great curvy gals so it turned out I wasn’t the only fat girl in the room after all. They were both psychologists, had their PHDs, looked amazing and were absolutely charming. The guys had no chance and were clearly punching above their weight at this speed dating event.
Since this was date number 1 of 50 Fat Dates I chose table #1 for luck. My plan had always been to say ‘yes’ to every man on the match card as I wanted to see who would say ‘yes’ back. Here’s what happened on the 5 minute dates:
#1 The Professional TV Watcher opened with “I’m single, divorced and have no kids what about you?” I responded “I’m glad you’re single because if you weren’t this would be awkward 5 minutes.” He didn’t laugh. Bloody hell, this wasn’t going well. All I wanted to do was whip out my phone and live tweet the event. One of the other gals later commented that she thought he might be on speed as he spoke fast, had sweaty palms and was shifty. I found out he literally watches TV for a living for one of the networks and sits in a room all day by himself. I figured her might be a bit of a nervous type. We spotted him smoking a joint in the parking lot on the way out. No match.
#2 The IT Guy The only thing I remember from this date is that he suggested to come and visit me in my apartment in Hollywood. Mate that’s not going to happen but you can feel free to visit the strip club two doors up from my place. No match.
#3 The Other IT Guy reminded me of Eric from Entourage and He’s Just Not That Into You. He was from Boston and had the ‘park your car at Harvard yard’ accent and works from home in IT and travels to India three times a year to his offices. He was a nice guy but there was zero chemistry. Sorry ‘Other IT Guy’ I’m just not that into you. No match.
#4 The Restaurant Owner was from Hong Kong and had lived in the US for thirty years. He owned the restaurant across the street from the hotel and was straining his eyes when looking at my top. I know my boobs are small but geez. I didn’t ask his age but he looked closer to 50s that 40s and it all felt a bit like an uncomfortable meeting with a creepy senior colleague. Make sure to grab a prescription and have your eyes checked so you don’t strain them searching for my itty bitty titties. No match.
#5 The Insurance Broker had a shiny bald head I could see my own reflection in and was the only one to dress up in a suit. While he gets definite props for suiting up he claimed to be a Lebanese gemologist turned insurance broker. It sounded like a counterfeit story to me so if he turned out to be a Walter White type cooking meth out of an RV I wouldn’t have be surprised. I don’t want to be added to the drug cartel body count. No match.
That’s it! 25 minutes of dates and 20 minutes of empty seats.
As much as I planned to say ‘yes’ to all the dates I decided to say ‘no.’ I didn’t want those guys to have my personal contact details and blowing up my phone at all hours. If I want a booty call I’ll text my ex-boyfriend. Maybe I would have been hit with 5 ‘no’s’ from those guys anyway but I guess I’ll never know.
The host admitted she wouldn’t date any of the men and agreed to send us each a coupon code for a free dating event since this was clearly a bust. I understand the quality of the attendees is out of the control of the event organizers, however, since they promised 10-15 dates I think they should have given us the option to cancel so as not to waste our time.
I’d previously blogged about why speed dating is a better option to online dating but I’m now reconsidering. Honestly, I pretty much hated ever second of speed dating but I’m going to give it another chance with a different age group and a different organization. The quality of the women was fantastic and by far the best part of the night was meeting the two curvy psychologist gals and going for drinks after.
Only 49 dates to go!