I was a guest at a plus size fashion show when I noticed a sexy guy on the other side of the catwalk. He flashed me a sparkling smile and I got a glimpse of his grill. The shiny mouth bling was like a beacon of light and before I knew it my big bum lifted itself from the chair and walked itself over to him.
“Is that a grill? I’ve never seen one in real life! Can I have a closer look!” What can I say? The only grills we have in Australia involve barbecues and I wanted to find out what it’s all about. We chit-chatted for a while and I found out he’s an ex-airforce guy and former bodyguard trying to make it in LA. Thanks to being a teen in the ’90s and Whitney Houston I’ve always had a fantasy of dating a bodyguard. I’ll admit that in my magical mind he doesn’t look like Kevin Costner. He looks like this big 6″4′ guy with a cute dimples.
He was with a girl but they didn’t appear to be together, in fact, during the conversation he made it a point to say that they were merely friends and he was accompanying her as she was interested in becoming a plus size model. Okay, I was fine with that and happily chatted to the both of them for 20 minutes. We exchanged numbers and I was so ready for this date.
Big Boy and I met at a bar close to my house. He bought me a drink we chatted a while before driving to another bar to watch a live show. I bought a round of drinks and was loving the show but I could tell it wasn’t his thing and asked if he wasted to leave and he said yes. I was disappointed but I guess it was akin to going to a movie and not speaking to the person you are on the date with so thought it was fair enough. As he dropped me home at my place in Hollywood he mentioned that it was late and he had to get home to his Mom. Yes that’s right this Big Boy who used to protect lives with his Momma! That’s why he was edgy, not because he was bored by the show.
As I stood on the curb he told me he is a self-proclaimed 35-year-old momma’s boy and lifted his sleeve to give me closer look at his tattoo. It was a heart with the words Momma’s boy inked across it. He revealed that had been on a talk show talking about it and texted me a link and said I should watch it.
I played the YouTube video the second I got back in my apartment and saw him on talking to the talk show host about the relationship he had with his Mom. He talked about how he tells her all his dating stories, goes on trips with her, shopping, and go out on mother and son spa days. He says if he isn’t with his Mom then they are communication via text or Facebook. The show stopper was where his mom says she does a pre-screen on all his dates and decides if someone is ‘wife material or just dating material.’ Big Boy talks about his Mom’s “whackdar” and says “If my Mom does not approve of a girl then I’m done. She has got to go!”
I sat there in shock. What had just happened and what had I gotten myself into. I felt like I had been on a date with one person and then this video revealed the truth. He obviously wanted me to watch the it to reveal what he couldn’t say in person. Maybe he found it easier and had had bad dating experiences with past dates getting the Momma seal of approval.
Assuming I passed the initial “whackdar” test knew that there would always be a third wheel in the relationship and that I would always be trumped by Momma.
A minute later he send me a text “I’m home” with a selfie of himself in the bathroom. No doubt he was an extremely sexy man and I really did want my bodyguard fantasy. I had a moment of wondering what was underneath the towel when I was snapped back to reality. There it was, behind the Terry Crews body I could see Momma’s frilly floral shower curtain in the background!
The decision was made. Let me make this easy for you Big Boy I’m taking myself out of the equation. Enjoy your next mother and son spa day! I’m sure there will be many many more to come.