Curvy Cougar Country: The First Impression

READER SUBMISSION: Curvy Cougar Country A little bit of insight from a one curvy cougar to another.

Online Love: The Era of Romance?

Chapter 2:

Here’s The ‘Skinny.’ The other day I was messaged by a very hot guy. Super hot, you know the kind, slightly dishevelled hair, dreamy eyes and just enough hint of a hard abdominal wall to realise that I was salivating. He was a nutritionist. He was from Mexico. He was the ice cream and I was the spoon. Yes, I said to myself as I continued to read while visualising buns so tight I felt them bouncing off the walls. My mind became a flutter with the thought of obliques that could melt ice caps and long fingers that knew just how to steer the ‘little man in the canoe.’ Then he spoke.

Why do they speak?

The opening to any online introduction is ‘the hook’ and believe me, whether we admit it or not, there is pressure. In an era where sparkling wit, intellect and va va voom can be discounted in a single swipe. We are led to believe that there is one opportunity to create an impression. If you get it wrong, you may miss ‘the one.’ No house in the Hamptons, no fourth of July family barbecues and your two adopted fur babies, Goulda and Chi Chi will remain unrescued from that puppy farm in Cali.

So many obstacles can block your path to love. Your problem could be your photo. Maybe you have RBF (resting b*tch face), maybe your mouth is loaded with Tic-Tac teeth, maybe you look like you live with a cats….lots of them. The reasons for rejection are as varied as they are ridiculous. I’ve heard them all. ‘One of her boobs is bigger than the other’ (news flash d*ckhead…there is always one bigger than the other), she had weird thumbs, (really? well, you need a shave… and I don’t mean your face!)

Society jumps in with a solution. Why not ‘pitch’ yourself? Create a brand. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all deserve to feel special right? Absolutely! Maslow knew this fact more than most. He thought that ‘self actualisation’ (the need to feel unique) was integral to our growth and development as stable, happy human beings. ‘What a man can be, he must be.’ His 1943 paper on human motivation recognised that there are innate sensibilities in each of us. He philosophised that in order to reach our full potential we had to connect with and experience joyfully, several grounding elements like love, safety and belonging. This, coupled with feeling special would nurture confidence, courage and release untapped potential. The result would be a generation of adults who intrinsically contained ‘metamotivation;’ the constant desire to better oneself. You can see where I’m heading right? His ideas have in many ways come to fruition. We are a generation of doers, goal setters and achievers. Here’s me climbing a mountain. Here’s me meeting the Dali Lama, Here’s me starting my own company. All the best parts of ourselves are put on display like shining ornaments on the christmas tree that is mass media.

And yet, our online society encourages us to dumb down our introductions, just incase we’re a bit too intimidating. The irony isn’t lost on me. Be fabulous! Just not too fabulous! Create a small bite size portion of yourself that can be consumed quickly and cost effectively by the masses. Don’t be too intense! You don’t want people to think you’re weird right? Be too flirty, you’re a sl*t. Be too reserved, obviously frigid. Be too playful. You must be vapid. Disagree with an opinion? Drama queen! Are you fun and frivolous, educated and entertaining or a happy hook up? And suddenly we go from being people to catch phrases, cliches and stereotypes. Lemmings, who try so hard to be different…that we end up looking and sounding exactly the same. Like ice in a finely nuanced scotch, the very flavour that made us stand out from the crowd, gets watered down. The result? We become the butt of everyones jokes. We’ve all read the Tinder Bylines: ‘I like fatties with big foreheads.’ ‘I like to keep it simple. Just me, you and a freshly shaved muff.’ ‘This is me wearing 25 sweaters. I also like a*al.

Now, I’m not a hater. We all want to seperate ourselves from the crowd. We want to be honest about expectations. I’m not stupid. I know that even several drops of water in a floral single malt unwinds the amino acids and creates new flavours. All I’m saying is don’t sell yourself short. There is more to you than your ability to wear 25 sweaters.

by Shondelle Pratt AKA The Curvy Cougar