I took a big step yesterday and hired a personal trainer to work out with three days per week. Actually, I wanted to work out five days per week but she talked me down to three days. After crying myself to sleep for nights on end from the heartbreak of not being able to get over my ex-boyfriend, I was so excited to make a change in my life to get me out of the funk and back to when I felt good about myself.
I was planning on buying a new sports bra today getting ready for my first workout session on Monday and then got this message from the trainer I had booked:
Wait, what? Does she want me to lose weight via cardio before I train with her? My diet is actually good. I just did a month of juicing and am now doing paleo and loving it. My food is good I don’t need help with that I need a trainer because I want to increase my fitness.
I used to have an unrealistic goal of getting to 50kg/110lbs. I’m 5’3″ and I thought that was what I was supposed to be but the more weight I lost trying to get to that ridiculous goal the fatter I got and was never happy in the moment as I never reached the goal. At one point I got to 77kg/ 169lbs (20kg 44lbs less than the last photo below) and I was still wasn’t happy it didn’t fix my life like I believed it would. I thought being slim equaled being happy and it doesn’t
My epiphany came in 2011, which changed my life forever and led me to starting Big Curvy Love. I worked hard to stop the negative mind chatter (which is a constant battle as I think it’s my default) and decided to be happy no matter size I was at the time. I spoke about myself positively to others and stopped putting myself down in front of people.
I now know being slim doesn’t automatically make you happier or more beautiful. Fat doesn’t equal ugly and slim doesn’t equal pretty. I now like how I look and what I wear. I want to get fitter so I can get up the stairs without being puffed out and do a full spin class and keep up with the instructor like I used to. Those are my personal goals and how I measure if I’m feeling good. It’s not a weight or a size. I want to make changes so I can go on a bike tour in a new city and walk around all day. I’m not able to do that now and so I want to make changes to get there. I struggle with being a plus size blogger and revealing this as I have a level of guilt and don’t want people to dislike me because I want to make personal changes.
Here’s some progress pics of me at the boxing gym. I never felt bad about my size and felt really good about myself in every one of these pictures. I could do more than the average person even though I was fat and I was fine with that. This isn’t about showing weight loss progress pics (although it was at the time.) This is about showing you what I could do with my body when I took these pics. At 116kg/255lbs I was working out 3 hours a day and considered myself to be in ‘beast mode’ as I was training with Olympic boxers. In the last pic I could run non stop for 2o minutes.
None of these weights in the photo are seen as a ‘success’ in the eyes of society but I’d be happy being there again as I know what I could do at the time. I really was fat and fit and that is my goal again.
Am I overreacting about what the trainer said? Did I read her message wrong? I honestly just want to get started as my mind is in the spot to do so.